Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

Google Pay be like:

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it