Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched