thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”