thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
When the stylist spins you back around
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.