Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport