Thinking outside the box.. 😅
You Might Also Like
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
this will hang in the louvre one day
