Thinking outside the box.. 😅
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Please do it!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?