Thinking outside the box.. 😅
You Might Also Like
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Tremendous stuff
Has science gone too far?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”