Thinking outside the box.. 馃槄
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn鈥檛 want to know that
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
welp
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
馃ぃ馃ぃ
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: 岬嶀祪食岬嵥♂祲岬嶀祪食岬嵥♂祲
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they鈥檇 come do mine also.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
You鈥檙e never too old to set goals. For example, today I鈥檓 not going to pee in my pants.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I hate feeling like I鈥檓 racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren鈥檛 we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He鈥檚 back again