Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

Okay, I’m still confused…

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

ocean: *waves*

me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’