Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no