Thinking outside the box.. 😅
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Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Morning my dudes.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.