Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!