Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.