Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.