Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Me, reading some of your tweets
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out