Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

is this meant to deter me

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”