Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.