Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”