*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

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I woke this morning to find Mr.Mittens on the bed staring at me with a look that said ‘You’re a mouth breather, and I’ll never respect you’


[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died


He told me I was the “bee’s knees”.
I believe I merit being compared to something more like a lemur’s femur.
Who doesn’t love Zoboomafoo?


5yo: Dad! Dad! Wake up!
Me: What? What’s wrong?
5yo: You said last night you need to be up by 7..
Me: It’s 4am!
5yo: I can’t tell time..


My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁


My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.


My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.


I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on