@Shakti_Shetty

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

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@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

@causticbob

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

@towelforacape

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.

@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@iinkedZombie

Flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that on the plane.

Me: this is my emotional support chainsaw.

@murrman5

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

@ConanOBrien

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.