Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

She was rare, like a goth jogging

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?