My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Don’t we all.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar