Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.