Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?