Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”