You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?