This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
is it too early for christmas memes
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”