This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
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Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I didn’t know they can drive…
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat