Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Aw man, but that’s the best part

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

Me when I’m ovulating

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.