This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Cheers Twitter.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
🤣
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you