This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.


Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.


Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.


Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?


Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time


I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding


I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.


He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.