@squirrel74wkgn

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

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@trevso_electric

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

@weinerdog4life

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Friend: Do I need to repeat myself?

Me: No. I might not be able to ignore you a second time

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@BlueOnBlack72

I don’t hold grudges.

-the guy who still refuses to listen to the Offspring after they used ‘cinco’ twice in the same line to get the lyric to fit.

@Dawn_M_

He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.