this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Blew out my flip flop…
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password