this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
ok like just. call me at this point
I’m not sorry.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall