This 4th of July, please remember…
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I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend