Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

I think I accidentally became a nun:

✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Worst Native American name ever.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look