This 4th of July, please remember…
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I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…