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The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Every photo I’m tagged in
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.