This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant