This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
🍛
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.