@UnicornSyrup

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

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@somecleverthing

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

@TheToddWilliams

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

@PinkCamoTO

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

@TheSharona06

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

@RatBatallion

When life gives you lemons just be thankful it wasn’t herpes .

@ManJuggs

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

@T_Bonezzz_

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

@radtoria

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”