This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
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My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.