This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
You Might Also Like
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa