This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.