This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats