This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean