Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.