This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
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yes… yes…
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.