This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
😆this is so true
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
congratulations to them
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?