This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Matt Goss
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.