This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
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murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
how long have you had this for?
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.