This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
brian had himself a morning…
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
iPhone X
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
We’ve come full circle
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.