Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet