This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.