Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt