“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
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Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
