“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
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At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Life cycle of cat
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*