“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*