“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
You Might Also Like
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.