This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
FINE, I WON’T.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
choose your fighter
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Pass gas, not judgment.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent