This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.