This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Put this video in the Louvre
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!