Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

reviewed some movies recently