Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

I’m an avid indoorsman.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Chemical wingman

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text