Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

be careful

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Never be a pizza!

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant

Passport photographer: No

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.