This anagram machine is out of order.
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
🇺🇸🤭
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.