This angry backpack

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Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.


What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?


Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.


[Gets a Netflix notification on phone]
FRIEND: Is that your ex?
ME: [Lying] No.


Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.


INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?


Growing Seasons of New England

Spring: herbs, beans, arugula

Summer: corn, tomatoes, asparagus

Autumn: pumpkins, berries, squash

Winter: despair


ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*


95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.


Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?