Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.
[Gets a Netflix notification on phone]
FRIEND: Is that your ex?
ME: [Lying] No.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Growing Seasons of New England
Spring: herbs, beans, arugula
Summer: corn, tomatoes, asparagus
Autumn: pumpkins, berries, squash
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?