Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.