This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
You Might Also Like
Is this a threat?
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
live, laugh, laundry.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.