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[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing