This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
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“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?